bit of a Woody Allen spree, so *cough* pardon me if I end up being dry,
cynical and sarcastic. Just like old times. *smirks*
from staring at the swinging leaves outside my window that dazzle as
the sun bestows its glory upon them, I’ve been passively absorbing all
that I can read, watch, eat/cook and occasionally think about. This one
time, I was pondering over the idea of existential crisis. It doesn’t
seem to escape us since one can remember..turn around, look back and
you’ll know what I mean.
of toddler-hood, you start having memories. And feelings. You seek
attention. I mean..most of us must have behaved in some bizarre way or
the other as kids. Jealousy, Shyness, Anger, Stubbornness. As a five
year old, you don’t know wrong from right and you don’t really care
about correcting yourself. You just want what you want, and you’re just
how you are. Transparent. Innocent. Whatever it is that you want to call
it. But you still don’t know who or what you are.
over to your pre-teens. You’re on a phase where life is either drooly
or semi rebellious. You already think you’re no longer a baby, you’re
excited about growing up. Your toys are all abandoned, you’re quite
carefree though a part of you is still silly and childish. You’d gladly
trade pokemon cards for video games. And you are slowly aware of the
opposite sex whether you want to admit it or not, though you’d balk at
the idea of discussing anyone from the opposite sex.
Lesser said better. You’re hormonal, experimental, mental, rebellious
and in most likelihood a geek, a klutz, a barbie doll, a jock, or plain
boy/girl next door. Suddenly they’d get into some burst of
socializing..in some form or another. Opposite sex is top of the mind.
Teenagers are perfect for categories. They just are. And the one
category they are perfect for is the one that says "i’m different from
the rest".
slowly start feeling good about yourself. You feel like you want to do
something. You’re still lost, but you somehow try coming to terms with
it, and you’d no longer want the world to know that you’re lost. Its
vulnerable stuff dude. You call it a "phase" and you seem to be moving
from one phase to another. The drinking phase, the coke phase, the smoke
phase, the i need to get over him/her phase, the i want to retire at 35
phase. It happens.
Late 20’s. You probably (I use the word
probably cause I’m imagining a lot of those based on observations or
what I’ve seen/read) realise that all the awesomeness and carefree stuff
seems like a half baked dream you once had when you were idealistic.
You’re probably no longer as much in shape as you’d like to be. You’ve
learnt to dabble a few things. You don’t know if you’re satisfied or not
but you’re doing something that moderately makes sense. You still do,
want to live in the moment as you can sense it all passing by. You’re
not as messed up as you thought
you were once. Though if you happen to go to coffee shops you realise
that you’re probably the oldest person in the crowd. Drinking with
friends de-stresses you. Some of you realise that the biological clock
is ticking away and some have already forayed into a settled down life
which comes with its own baggage. Do you still know who you are?
Early
30’s. If you’re a man you’re (hopefully) trying to kick some solid ass.
If you’re a woman you’re juggling several roles, probably feeling your
baby kick inside of you. Somehow I can’t imagine what the 30’s would be
like. You’ve more or less got the hang of certain things and are
probably trying to catch up on other things so as to not be considered
ancient. Its a sort of transition phase..you’re not as jumpy as a teen
but not as a oldish as an oldie. Do you have an approximate idea of who
you are?
Touching 40’s. That’s it. Time for reliving starts? Kids
growing up. Multiple juggles. Health to worry over. Social do’s. You’re
(again hopefully) settled in some sort of a lifestyle/career choice.
You’re far away from experimentation, except maybe between sugar free
and regular sugar. Or maybe, just maybe..you decided to be a vagabond
all your life, never got married, traveled the world, tried to do
something "meaningful". Would you love to be a Susan Sarandon or a Steve
Martin?
50 and beyond. I am still in the process of deciphering
this age. Sometimes I think living beyond this age must be a puzzling
experience. Though I am sure that an 80+ person is close to being
childlike all over again. They worry too much. Health becomes primary
concern..pills, medicines, doctor appointments. What keeps them kicking
is that they have someone who they can take care of and who will take
care of them. Life has probably come a full circle for them. They’ve
become stubborn in their own sense and they do not like being told what
to do or to not do things in a certain way. Like a staunch mean machine,
an old library book maybe. Oh I don’t know.
My humble little rambling ponder is that…you probably never know who
or what you are. You’re in denial or you think that you’re "searching".
And when you do come to know, you’re nearing senility or don’t want to
change who you are or maybe at a stage where a lot of things don’t
matter.
Tough Life it must be.
Making Mayhem 